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Saturday, December 18, 2010
Coming To Terms With Our Incompatibility
I just had another Black Bat cigarette. And my body no longer agrees with it. Around a month ago, I tried a regular Marlboro cigarette. My body didn't like THAT either.
So I have come to terms with the fact that my body has finally rejected cigarette smoking for good.
Thank You, Lord. :)
Posted at 06:56 pm by nenyalorien
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Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I am again battling the old demon of addiction. This time, as an external temptation. I have been fending him off for days. I was successful yesterday when I had quoted scripture to keep him away. Today, I am weakening, partly because my tummy is sooo full. But then that's not the point, right? There is no excuse.
No wonder the Holy Spirit had been leading me to blog about this. Getting my feelings out in the open jolted me to fact that this is a battle and if I give in to that demon now, he would have won, and I... Would only be pummeled by addiction.
Not today, Ciggy.
Posted at 07:01 pm by nenyalorien
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Breakup. Want Ciggies. Won't Grab One.
Breakup blues. I wish I could still contact him. I wish I could ask if he were okay. I wish I could tell him I love him and need him in my life. I wish I could do so many other things that married couples can. I don't understand why I need to die to myself regarding him and my heart.
Not true.
I actually understand why I need to die to myself regarding us. But it's the craziness of the matter that makes me retch. I wish I can love him in this lifetime. I wish I can consummate the marriage I would have wanted to happen. But apparently, according to Jesus, God hates divorce.
I don't want to argue with the Son of God anymore.
I have argued way too often before. Now is not the time to argue much more.
I have this strange hope in my heart of dreams coming true and a life that will be changed. Maybe it's the hope that I have in Jesus that makes it feel like so..
Maybe in another lifetime, I mean, in another chapter or era in my life, I will see him again, and see how changed his life is, and when I'll ask him if God had given him everything he needed and wanted, we'll be thankful we obeyed.
There is a strange notion that is flitting around in my brain that I will be fine, even if I die a single lady because I didn't want to dishonor my love for Jesus, or for him.
Jesus may well give me to someone else; but, unless Jesus forces me to (which He won't, actually, because He prefers single people according to Matthew 19:10-12:
10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." 11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." :)
This justifies my vow not to marry if I can't have him anyway.
I just feel like it would be unfair to both my future husband, if he won't be the man who proposed to me, and it won't be fair to the man who proposed to me that we can't consummate the union because of his foolish decision to marry his ex-wife. Today, I don't think I will care anymore if romance makes an entrance into my life or not. I will choose to live for Jesus, since I cannot be living for Jesus married, even if it means that I will have to live the life of a widow.
If Jesus changes His position whether I can marry or not, to a definite, "Yes dear daughter, go ahead and marry the man you love," and paves the way for our marriage nonetheless, then I will be only so ecstatic. Who cares for human love? I have Jesus, and He's all that should matter. :p I love being a Christian; even if people call us fools, it's all worth it. :)
Posted at 06:39 am by nenyalorien
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Saturday, December 29, 2007
I am on a blogging roll this morning and I just wanted to update this blog. I sure missed the nauseating red font on a black background theme, but it's not the same anymore, as when I was still demonized much.
I just wanted to update because I linked this blog up on blog-tutorials.com and I won't want to be caught empty-blogged (whatever) if someone happens by on here.
Update: the last time I smoked... Was weeks ago. I cannot even recall when anymore. And I'm glad. I know I am not totally free yet, because when I walk down my dorm's street at nighttime, I get the urge to buy a stick off the street vendors. I am no hypocrite to deny that I miss puffing on them delightful but poisonous sticks. But when I get the urge, I try to recall my state of mind when I am in the death clutch of nicotine. I also try to recall how my back and chest would ache, along with how I would be jittery and I would feel as if my face were covered in a fog, even though I had put out my stick half a day before.
Another update is that it amused me that my hugest online undorser (un-endorser heheh) really keeps refining his posts about me. How queer. It's cute and flattering, actually, to have an enemy that keeps making his posts "against" you better and better. Haha!
I wonder if he created a Google alert for my name too?
Oh well, I, for one, created a Google alert for myself because I'm narcissistic. :p Haha!
By the way, Yuga is sponsoring this nifty year-end contest for Philippine bloggers. I just wanted to link it up to all my sites, just because I want to win a year's worth of free hosting. :p
Posted at 07:41 am by nenyalorien
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Since I updated here. And that is good news. Meaning the rage rampage/depression/urge to smoke is nearly licked, or maybe I'm just preoccupied with a lot of other things. Either way, I am glad for sanity. It's nice being silent up there in my brain sometimes.
And today, it's nice blogging here to say.. That I miss God. And having a clean room. :)
Posted at 07:52 pm by nenyalorien
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Sunday, December 02, 2007
Far from everyone I know, I silently blog my "evil" side here. I do not want people to see when I am being only too weak. I do not want people to see me wounded. Is it the "perfect Christian" notion that I have that underscores my avoidance of giving them a glimpse of the can of worms in my gut?
I rationalized earlier that maybe I just don't want people to "stumble" on my account. That seems valid. But I wonder if, there's a bit of rationalization and empty self-aggrandizement turned from self-pity somewhere there.
BUT I guess I really just shouldn't second-guess my motives and live life the way it should be lived: without having to analyze every little thing that happens. :p
Posted at 10:22 pm by nenyalorien
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Saturday, November 10, 2007
On the moment I tried to write this, I had just severed a "transaction". In Psychology, when people make a connection, converse, etc., a transaction is formed. When it is terminated or severed, it's a form of disengagement.
I had disengaged from this guy's acquaintanceship, for lack of a better word, because his presence in my life was already disturbing. I had gotten to know him through a chatroom, when I asked for call center insider information (on call formats). He was willing to oblige my requests for information, and so as to be polite and to be a, well, "decent person, I decided to give him my instant message ID, even if warning signals were flashing through my head. Next thing I knew, he was sending me daily instant messages, letting me know of his whereabouts, being basically guy-sweet and thoughtful..
It would have been okay if.. I wasn't engaged.
But the fact is, I am. And I have no intentions of being unfaithful to that covenant.
And besides, I take back that "It would have been okay" bit. It WASN'T okay. He was too negative for my taste, and I hate men who are constantly beating themselves up. My low self esteem is enough for the two of us, thank you.
Besides, I have no intentions of fixing up a person who has no direction. I am allergic to men with zero direction and responsibility and who blame their troubles on a God they did not even bother to get to know. That is the last thing I need in my life, and desirability be damned, I just want my sanity.
And so, I disengaged from that transaction. I would have forgotten he, it, ever happened if not for my seeing this draft on my posts.
*munching on my muesli*
Posted at 05:05 am by nenyalorien
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Four Days Seems Like A Year
The last time I smoked was on November 6, 2007, according to these blog posts. I have had urges, but no real action to puff off a stick since then. I am thankful, and I am glad that I haven't touched one, though sometimes the craving was only too strong. I am happy that though this is one of my biggest temptations, the week was just so full of events that I haven't had time to really focus on myself.
I am glad for silence. :)
Posted at 04:56 am by nenyalorien
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Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Why is it that when I am fed, I feel no need to smoke?!
Posted at 06:27 pm by nenyalorien
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I am listening to angry Evanescence right now. I threw a tantrum in Shopwise Makati earlier because their music was only too inane and annoying: the 12 days of Christmas with Shopwise lyrics. Positively the stupidest songs ever.
Good thing I didn't slit my throat with the shards of the gerber bottles I accidentally broke. The music could drive the sanest person to suicide, I tell you.
And yes, I love angry Evanescence. Mirrors how I feel right now.
:p
Posted at 07:01 am by nenyalorien
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