Why is it that when I try to be nice, i get misunderstood? Why is it, that when I try to be helpful, men would try to take advantage instead and try to have me as a romantic partner?

Not naman "men". Just one particular guy. It bugs me to no end, because this really shouldn't be happening.

I had asked for help from him in completing that cursed e-book. He misunderstood, and now, he's sending me messages daily.

I cannot throw a bone at a dog I do not want to feed. I will not compromise what I have with Porky for some person I do not even like. I do not want fawning. Whatever part of me that needed adoration before, that needed desire, is no longer there. I have grown up to the point that I do not want that kind of sick "love". I have grown up to the point that the smell of Porky's shirt, the security and sanity of being his alone is what I need. I realized a long time ago that I need stability. I realized neediness turns me off, and because Porky wasn't needy, it was him I chose.

Sometimes, when Porky turns needy, I actually feel repulsed. There is something repulsive about a man grasping at you for love and attention that makes me feel sick to my stomach. But I tolerate Porky, because when *I* am needy, he is there too.

The verdict on Needy Guy? I'm still on barf mode. I am contemplating on putting him on "ignore" on yahoo messenger. But we'll see.

This is so ridiculous.

I have had so many disappointments this week, and I don't know if my heart can hold on. I had actually quit smoking already and I think I do not want to touch something that may have aggravated what I'm going through right now.

I feel so alone in what I am going through. I feel like everyone, including God, has abandoned me to the point that the only recourse I may have is to kill myself.

Incidentally, I had bought a new set of knives. They would do well to help me escape. And yet there is something about suicide that repels me now.

I just want all this pain and hardship to go away. I think that no sane person would want to welcome any of this in his or her life anyway.

But I wonder if I had been more a victim of circumstance or wrong decisions. Or maybe I just have pure scourging luck.

I don't know what is causing all this. All I know is that Gigi told me that it seems like I am focusing on something in my hands and the demons are dancing around and poking me, and I don't even know I am bleeding through all the poking.

I don't know how to ask for rescue.

I don't know how to ask for salvation from myself.

I don't know how to kick my roommate out so I can at least have breathing space.

I wish God would be my tourniquet...

But as it is, He is letting me get poked and bleed. For what reason, I wouldn't know.

And I still believe in His fairness and ultimate good, whatever anyone else will say.

Call me blind or deluded. I love my God. Even if I am hurting.

I was getting a little paranoid about my Extra Joss intake when I remembered that I used to take Oxcarbazepine/Trileptal, Risperidone/Risperdal, the SSRI's Prozac and Zoloft, Lithium Carbonate, Clozapine/Leponex, Olanzapine/Zyprexa, Clonazepam/Rivotril. Not all that at once, of course, but I had taken them for some time since 2001. I finally decided to be rid of them June this year. By July, I haven't touched any of those anymore.

And to think these were doctor-prescribed meds. :p Screw Psychiatry. Seriously. :p

Recently, I had taken to Extra Joss like a fish would take to water. And I was getting paranoid about the harmful effects on me when I realized that I used to drink all those drugs after all. :p

Also, even general anesthesia didn't have an effect on me anyway.

So where's the worry, Lorie? :p

I just want to say that I feel somewhat better without the nicotine in my body. I would want it better if I didn't feel this weird burning feeling with the Extra Joss though. 

There are days when an addiction is one of the most annoying things on earth. I had been hooked on cigarettes for about a week now, and with my bosses breathing down my neck, forcing myself not to reach for a stick feels nothing short of a brain surgery done on me sans anesthesia. And to think I pride myself on the ability to quit cold turkey.

And yet, just delaying it works. Phew. Thank God for prayer and for using the Internet as an aid to keeping off cigarettes.

It’s just less than 12 hours after my last stick, and I hope I survive without them filthy things anymore.

 

 

Bottom line is, I totally am thankful I decided to listen to God and stick with them. :p

my anniversary gift to Porky..first youtube update after a few weeks, first edited video. very addictive!

Just the other day I had had a traumatic experience with blogging. But despite that, I realized, I could only blog on. Blogging is more than a mode of release for me, more than therapy. Today, it's what keeps my drive to work fed; because it is through blogging that I earn, through blogging that I get to express my views on life.

...And that Titanium Powerbook pic is just a reminder of what I want to achieve in life. Hehe.