Breakup blues. I wish I could still contact him. I wish I could ask if he were okay. I wish I could tell him I love him and need him in my life. I wish I could do so many other things that married couples can. I don't understand why I need to die to myself regarding him and my heart.

Not true.

I actually understand why I need to die to myself regarding us. But it's the craziness of the matter that makes me retch. I wish I can love him in this lifetime. I wish I can consummate the marriage I would have wanted to happen. But apparently, according to Jesus, God hates divorce.

I don't want to argue with the Son of God anymore.

I have argued way too often before. Now is not the time to argue much more.

I have this strange hope in my heart of dreams coming true and a life that will be changed. Maybe it's the hope that I have in Jesus that makes it feel like so..

Maybe in another lifetime, I mean, in another chapter or era in my life, I will see him again, and see how changed his life is, and when I'll ask him if God had given him everything he needed and wanted, we'll be thankful we obeyed.

There is a strange notion that is flitting around in my brain that I will be fine, even if I die a single lady because I didn't want to dishonor my love for Jesus, or for him.

Jesus may well give me to someone else; but, unless Jesus forces me to (which He won't, actually, because He prefers single people according to Matthew 19:10-12:

11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

:)

This justifies my vow not to marry if I can't have him anyway.

I just feel like it would be unfair to both my future husband, if he won't be the man who proposed to me, and it won't be fair to the man who proposed to me that we can't consummate the union because of his foolish decision to marry his ex-wife.

Today, I don't think I will care anymore if romance makes an entrance into my life or not. I will choose to live for Jesus, since I cannot be living for Jesus married, even if it means that I will have to live the life of a widow.

If Jesus changes His position whether I can marry or not, to a definite, "Yes dear daughter, go ahead and marry the man you love," and paves the way for our marriage nonetheless, then I will be only so ecstatic.

Who cares for human love? I have Jesus, and He's all that should matter. :p

I love being a Christian; even if people call us fools, it's all worth it. :)